Soberin’ Down the River

Ladies and Gentleman of the Booze-o-sphere,

A great tragedy of misinformation has come to my attention and it is my duty as a peddler of knowledge to dispel the toxic rumors surrounding New Braunfels, Texas.

You may still drink beer in the river.

According to CBS News, recent litigation to curb littering along the shore has has residents and tourists confused into believing that they mayn’t imbibe while tubing, when — in reality — it is only disposable containers that have been outlawed.

For those who don’t know what tubing is, I need you to move to the South immediately. Barring that, I just need you to listen: tubing is the practice of plopping in an inner-tube with your friends or family, and floating down a calm river while drinking beer or bourbon (You can drink whatever you want, but in the South, we have preferences). It is fantastic. It’s as if someone was enjoying a lazy river and said, “This is great, but I’d like more nature and alcohol, please.”

And to the people of New Braunfels, tubing is apparently the basis of their local economy. When the recent law banned cans on the river, dictating that people bring their beer in reusable containers, it sent a number of people the wrong message and now they believe tubing to be alcohol free, and thus, pointless.

Now, I’m sure the people of New Braunfels are kind, pleasant folk, but my passive love for them doesn’t motivate my outcry. It is my passion for the grand institute of tubing.

In this hyper-scheduled society full of people all jacked up on busy, we need to take advantage of the opportunities to go places your phone can’t. Tubing, the antithesis of waterproof, is one of those places. It is the final frontier of laziness.

Sure! It doesn’t make sense to float down a serene river with loved ones if you can’t be drunk while doing it; we know that. But now we also know that nobody’s trying to revoke that right. So quit whining about cans, fill a couple Nalgenes with your favorite swill, and go save the people of New Braunfels.

~Don Julian OUT (Sorry. Had to try it once. Never again.)

REFERENCES (Actually a really funny article on its own. Give it a look.)

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