The Creed of the United Beer Drinkers of the World

“I am not a beer snob. I am an epicurean dipsomaniac. This is my Creed.

I believe in beer’s capacity to solve all disputes between men and my responsibility to address those problems, beer in hand, whether in bottle, can, mug, glass or stein, Koozie or no Koozie.

I will uphold my duty that no poor beer choice shall go unchastised. Bud Light Lime drinkers take heed.

I believe in the equality of man and therefore, in our endeavor to give all men the equal opportunity to achieve happiness, we shall make all beer available to all men, no matter their race, creed, gender, sexuality, or politics. I embrace tolerance to all walks of life as I embrace my own, ever-increasing tolerance to alcohol.

I recognize the duality of beer in that it is both manmade and God-given and am thankful for both the diligence of brew masters and the generosity of God.

I believe in the mystery of life and in man’s biggest question, “Why?” I believe that although I may never fully understand the answer I have faith that the answer is beer.

I believe that all men are brothers and that beer is the blood that binds them.

I believe in my unalienable rights, as follows.

  1. A man has the right to brew his own beer, no matter how disgusting it may be.
  2. When a man’s taste in beer is attacked he has the right to defend himself.
  3. Beer is a gift from God, although giving beer to a friend, even when you are not God, is not considered re-gifting. It is considered divine.
  4. The right to expel heinous beer from an unattended bottle by tapping it with one’s own superior bottle.
  5. The right to elect not to finish the last sip of beer because science proves it is 90% backwash anyway.
  6. The right to boycott a beer when it becomes so gimmicky ( i.e. vortex bottlenecks, cold-activated label, boxes with windows) that enjoying it becomes impossible.
  7. The right to drink beer in a guilt, shame and punishment–free environment no matter the time, place, or circumstance.

I will fight for this rights for which so many beer drinkers sacrificed their wives and livers to protect.

Above all, I believe it is my duty to my beer to love it, as a man loves his wife, as a father loves his sons, as God loves man and as a fat kid loves cake. This creed is no vague resolve. It is a declaration of life.

Lastly we understand why beer is the keystone to existence as evidenced by the four ingredients of beer:

Water, malt, yeast and hops.

Water quenches our thirst. Malt quells our hunger. Together they fuel our bodies so we may live. Yeast intoxicates us, dulling our pain, inspiring our wildest dreams and strengthening our resolve. Hops make beer beautiful, original and enjoyable. Together they fuel our hearts so we may live well.”

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