Boozinween: Best Laid Plains

It’s October and that means Boozinween (All Boozins Eve?) is upon us. What makes this Halloween a Boozinween? Nothing. Every Halloween is Boozinween and if you don’t get that, I have no idea why you’re on this website. You’re too young. Go enjoy the candy addiction before you develop a… well, I won’t ruin the surprise.

Anyways, Halloween is on a Monday this year which, in effect, means four days of Halloween: Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. There are many things associated with benders such as this: immaturity, jailtime, silly costumes (even outside of Halloween, I find that any good bender involves some kind of dress-up).

Something oft forgotten? Planning. You can’t just pop your first pumpkin ale on Friday afternoon and hope it carries you all the way to Monday. After all, Halloween is the closest thing you’ll see to a zombie apocalypse (Even when you get drafted to fight in The Great Zombie War, the military will see your ineptitude and keep you behind a desk as a pencil-pusher or office snack, depending on which side you’re on). So as a point of preparation, here’s your Halloween bender survival guide:

Duct Tape – More like “Duh”ct tape. The only survival guide that doesn’t include duct tape is the “Duct Tape Apocalypse Survival Guide”. (Keep a blue sharpie around as well and presto! Automatic, painful-to-remove Tron costume just in time to be not quite timely!)

Toilet Paper – Almost more-purpose than the duct tape. Emergency costume, emergency sanitary utensil, emergency unrequested decoration for your friend’s house.

Beer – It’s a bender. Sure, you’re making an effort to stay liquored up, but maybe you got distracted by that cute girl or by the ground when you passed out on it. Sobriety lurks around every corner and to fight it, you require a beer or twelve within grabbing distance at all times.

Phone Charger – Because you could barely stumble in last night, let alone remember to charge your stupid phone. You will almost surely lose this upon unplugging it from the wall, but it’s a risk worth taking for the angst that comes from staring into a dead phone when you’ve lost all of your friends (at a bar, but maybe in life too. Again, this is a bender).

A Store-bought Costume – I’m tentative to endorse this as I generally feel so strongly about making my own costumes, but I feel even stronger about dressing as something different every night of Halloween. With four nights to party, I have to come to terms with the fact that my creative juices may run dry. Now, I know it doesn’t come with the 40, but I actually love that the guy in this picture is a Colt 45 drinking a Colt 45. So do that. Or just do what I did and dress as a sheep one night and a cloud the next (SPOILER ALERT: It was the same costume).

A Bag of Candy Corn – Because it f***ing rocks and its only socially acceptable for a fraction of the year.

~Don Julian

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