The Vodka Watermelon: A Guide

Many readers have been writing in and saying, “Don Julian! You have so much fun all the time! How do you do it? Can you provide a step by step tutorial on how I should do something fun?” And despite the fact that the previous sentence is completely fabricated, I will gladly oblige. Here is a step by step guide on how to make — the staple of many a raucous event — a vodka watermelon.


A. Attend a houseparty that has a large watermelon readily available. (NOTE: This is made easier if you’re friends with stupid hipsters. Hipsters have an annoying and inexplicable affinity for fresh produce, and only a stupid person would leave a watermelon in plain site at a house party).

B. Eye the watermelon craftily and say, “Hey guys! When was the last time we made a vodka watermelon?”. (NOTE: Everyone will say it’s been a while. Few have actually ever done it).

C. Seek out the drunkest housemate and obtain permission to mutilate their produce.


1. Now’s the fun part. Remember, things might get a little messy! Make a circular incision in the watermelon’s husk. This is the hole you’ll be pouring the vodka into, so it should be just big enough to comfortably fit the neck of your handle of vodka (Not fifth. Handle. No pussyfootin’ around).

2. Remove the piece of husk within the circle. Some watermelon will come out with it. This is good! Now you have a piece of watermelon for a snack and a little reservoir for the vodka as it seeps throughout the watermelon!

3. Be patient. For about five minutes. Realize the vodka is not seeping at all. It’s just sitting there. Explain that it is definitely not supposed to take this long. Second guess yourself. Google how long it’s supposed to take.

4. A day. It’s supposed to take a whole f***ing day. Somebody inevitably says “Well, we don’t wanna ruin the watermelon so let’s just start it now for tommorow”.

5. Snap at them. Tomorrow? Tuh-mar-row? I’ll have my liquor fruit now, thank you!

6. Chop off the top of the watermelon. Dump in the vodka. Mix that sh*t up. It’s called culinary improvisation and it’s a tool of the best chefs in the world. Morimoto would be proud.

7. Also add a few pulls of whiskey (NOTE: Why the hell not?)

And voila! There you have it! Vodka Watermelon (Soup*) in 7 easy steps!

Feeds: As many as you can get to try it
Time: 15 Min. – 24 Hrs. depending on your patience

*Don’t call it a soup, call it a punch. People drink fruity vodka punch. They don’t eat fruity vodka soup. But if we’re being totally accurate, it’s a soup.

~Don Julian

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