Wedding Wasted: A Few Practical Tips

Wedding Crashers is a work of fiction. Let’s get that out of the way right now. You are not as charming as Vince Vaughn. Your nose is not as charmingly deformed as Owen Wilson’s. Thus, you will never be able to sustain a social life based around the infiltration of strangers’ weddings.

That’s the bad news. The good news is that you don’t have to crash weddings because you will be invited to them. And unless you are Amish, these weddings will have open bars (If you are Amish, I thank you for reading the Boozin Blog print newsletter!).

Now, before you go running off to nudge all of your friends into matrimony, remember this: there is a fine line between “that guy who was a blast at the wedding” and “that guy who puked on the flower girl”. Follow these three arbitrary, not at all thorough tips at your next wedding, and you might just get invited to a few more:

1. Do not get drunk at the ceremony. We’ve all seen the cool guy in the movies with the discrete flask. If he’s really cool, he pulls it out at the urinal and offers it to the guy next to him. This is, once again, only cool in the movies. People do not want to see you get “heckle the ringbearer” drunk. His job is already tough enough as he’s handling two pieces of jewelry worth more than him on the black market. And people definitely do not want your urinal flask.

2. Pick a buddy. Someone you do not know, someone you may not even speak to, but someone who looks like they know how to party. Next, and this may be tough… drink less than them. What?! Yes. You heard me. This is the oldest trick in the book: The “at least I’m not that guy”. So what if you bumped the bride and she dropped her cake? Ralph bumped the whole cake!
*If you have a hard time finding anyone who drinks more than you, well… you probably are that guy. Go wild. It sounds like this might be the last wedding you get invited to anyways.

3. Get toasting approval. If you have had anything to drink, and you are thinking it’s a good time to make a toast, turn to the closest friend and say, “I think I’m going to make a toast.” If their response is anything short of “Sounds like a great idea!”, Do. Not. Do it. Fight the urge. We all know people love the sound of your voice, but you’ve got future open bars on the line. Keep it together! If you really think someone needs to hear what you were going to say, try it on your table. If they love it, share it with the rest of the wedding. If they don’t, fingers crossed that you’ve only alienated one side of the family.
*Again, if you’ve already deduced that you are “that guy”, disregard this tip. Toast with your balls to the wall. Literally. Teabag the wall. You’re probably spending the night in jail anyways.

~Don Julian

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