Boozin’ Blog

Which one of these doesn’t belong: free weights, personal trainer, elliptical machine, boot camp fitness class, vodka cocktail. According to David Barton of David Barton Gym, all of those things fit together quite nicely.

The trendy health club chain has started serving vodka cocktails because “It’s a little weird to serve bourbon or Scotch,” and “tequila might seem out of control,” according to Barton.

Riiight. Now, I’m no model of fitness. The most exercise I get in a typical day is climbing the stairs from my bedroom to my office but even I know that this is a little wrong. I used to make fun of my wife’s gym because it has a Starbucks - nothing says good health like super sugary, extra cream coffee drinks - but Barton definitely has that beat.

I’m not saying that health conscious people shouldn’t have a drink from time to time. But a gym serving vodka seems to perpetuate the misconception that vodka and other white types of booze are a dieter’s choice. Distilled alcohol of any sort is ridiculously high in calories. Plus, most cocktails are loaded down with sugar, which means more calories.

Everything in moderation, right? But, for Bacchus’s sake, let’s keep booze and workouts separate!

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At least this time it’s not in the US. It seems like our lawmakers hold the world record for irrational fear of the drink.

But now we turn our attention to Ontario, Canada where they’ve banned a brand of vodka called Crystal Head. It’s cleverly packaged in what appears to be a crystal skull. That’s a brilliant marketing move. I don’t generally drink vodka but I’m tempted to go out and pay the $50 just to have it. The bottle is incredibly eye-catching and who wouldn’t want to serve vodka out of a skull?

Liquor Control Board of Ontario spokesman and noted ass-hat Chris Layton, that’s who.

Layton contends that the image of the human skull “is an image that is commonly associated with death or, in some cases, death by poison. It’s especially problematic because there are concerns these days around binge drinking by younger adults.”

Seriously? Okay, to the poison issue. Is there really a household in Ontario where people are keeping poison in a 750ml bottle that is shaped like a human skull? It seems that Layton might be afraid that there is and that someone is going to confuse the two and wind up mixing the Bloody Mary of death. Frankly, I’m more concerned about why anyone would have a giant bottle of poison.

And then there’s the youth issue. It’s a favorite thing for neo-prohibitionists to bring up with they arbitrarily try to ban alcohol. Won’t someone please think of the children? I really don’t get it here. How does a skull induce kids to drink? In the first place, when kids drink they drink to get drunk. They’re not going to pay 5 times more for a bottle with a cool shape or label when they can buy a cheap bottle of vodka or whiskey for $10. Second, the neo-prohibitionist like to go after alcohol with cute labels, the argument being that kids will be attracted to the cartoon characters or fuzzy animals and be sucked into a life of raging alcoholism. But now the argument seems to be that a sinister image will do the same.

So which is it?

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Thanksgiving is just about upon us. With it comes lots of time with family and with that comes lots of reasons to drink. If you agree with me on this, then here is the thanksgiving turkey for us.

O’Casey’s Tavern in New York serves a vodka infuse, vodka basted turkey with vodka gravy with a side of, you guessed it, vodka with a straw. The 80 proof bird goes for $29.95 and that includes a cab ride to anywhere in Manhattan.

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There seems to be a growing trend in looking for health benefits in booze. I first really noticed it probably around fifteen years ago when studies were showing that drinking wine might be good for the heart and in preventing cancer. Suddenly people were dedicated to their nightly glass of Cab Sauv with an almost religious zeal.

Beer lovers weren’t far behind. Sussing out the benefits of beer was met with a little more skepticism but studies started surfacing that found similar benefits of drinking beer to drinking wine - cancer, heart disease, etc. A recent study even showed beer to be a better hydrator for hot and tired athletes than water.

But it doesn’t stop there. Beer and wine might have naturally occurring benefits but what if more were infused into the beverages. Vitamins and herbs found their way into our adult beverages. And now they are seeping into the hard stuff.

What the hell? Why can’t I just have a drink because I want a drink? In this multitasking world in which we live, it apparently isn’t enough to want to relax and unwind a little at the end of a day. We have to be nourishing ourselves at the same time.

Well, not me.

If there happens to be incidental health benefits to the beer and wine that passes my lips then that’s just great. But I declare here and now that I will not drink nutritionally amped-up booze. A line has to be drawn and this is where I draw mine. You can keep your ginseng infused vodka; I’m going to have another straight bourbon.

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I never really understood the vodka martini anyway so I’m not too upset by this news. Martinis are supposed to be sharp and wangy; vodka just took the edge off of the flavor. But, hey, drink what you like I always say.

I suppose this is why drinks trends generally puzzle me. What is to be gained from drinking something that you don’t particularly enjoy just because it’s chic this week? Try something and if you like it then Prost! Enjoy! If you don’t, get something else.

But I’ve meandered off point. Apparently vodka is out. As the article points out its long reign as the go-to alcohol for so many cocktails is puzzling. While all other trends in food and drink seemed to be headed in the direction of more flavor, more aroma, more body, and more presence these little vodka drinks seemed almost apologetic, thin, and weak. But perhaps that is the very reason they succeeded for so long. After all, bigger flavored food and drink is also a trend. Presumably a big part of the population doesn’t want to be slapped around by what they eat or drink.

But ‘they’ have decided. And even before they announced it the hipper bartenders and mixologists were already turning their back on vodka. So get used to it, wimpy vodka drink lovers. If a bartender rolls his eyes at your order don’t say I didn’t warn you!

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The beauty of vodka is that it is largely a blank slate. Mix it with any other liquid and you have a drink that tastes of the mixer and a bit of alcohol. Drop any sort of herb, spice, flavoring or even, urp, skittles and you have a beautifully clean infusion.

Given this I’m frankly surprised that there aren’t more products like Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka. If you’re from the southern US the basic idea of Firefly seems as natural 90% humidity in August. If you’re not then this concoction probably seems about as unwelcome as 90% humidity in August.

According to the New York Times Firefly has been sweeping the south since last April and it shows no sign of slowing up. Personally I have been blissfully unaware of it until just this morning.

I don’t drink sweet iced tea. I live in southeastern Missouri and so perched just above the South proper I have plenty of opportunities to drink the stuff. After my first few tastes I knew I wasn’t interested. I also rarely drink iced tea, preferring hot tea which I can, you know, taste.

But I’d be lying if I said that the boozer in me wasn’t just a little intrigued by Firefly. I’m not going to rush out and buy a bottle but if I see some in a bar I’m going to have to taste it.

That skittles thing though? No interest whatsoever. What the hell is wrong with people?

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Estonian police have arrested a ruthless gang of vodka smugglers. The cabal of Russian and Estonian criminals was sneaking hundreds of gallons of vodka across the border from Russia to Estonia via an underwater pipe.

My first thought when I saw this story was how good could it be after going through those pipes? I can’t find any details about the quality of the plumping but almost any possibility that I can come up with leaves me wanting to rinse out my mouth. Were they old, forgotten pipes that once had a legitimate use? If so can you image the filth that the vodka would have picked up? OK, maybe they were new. A PVC pipeline would have been glued together giving the already bad brew a glue-ee taste. What about metal? There we have the possibility of lead from any joints that had to be joined together.

Turns out that it was as bad or even worse than I imagined. The homebrewed booze was made in Russia then piped over to Estonia to be sold on the black market. But the stuff was so bad that they had trouble selling it! Even tax-free and in an economy that supports an estimated 20% black-market booze this vodka was so bad that the criminal masterminds had to trundle the stuff from town to town looking for buyers.

This was how they got caught. On one of these trips with their truck loaded down with bootleg vodka and looking for buyers that the cops pulled them over. And thus began the investigation that lead to a 2 kilometer long pipeline laid at the bottom of a firewater reservoir on the border.

I guess my point is that if you ever decide to go on a bender in Estonia always ask to see the tax stamp on whatever you’re drinking. Bleah!

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In 1848 the map of North America changed significantly. This was the year that the war between Mexico and the U.S. ended. The terms of peace included Mexico ceding a great deal of land to their northern neighbor. The land would become the states of California, Nevada, Utah as well as parts of Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico and Wyoming. It was a lot of land.

Naturally, the maps drawn before that time showed a much larger Mexico and much smaller United States than they do now. It’s an interesting intellectual exercise to consider how differently world history might have played out if it weren’t for this reordering of things. It is perfectly understandable that not a few Mexicans would rather have not had all of this come to pass. And it’s understandable that after a few drinks Mexicans who love their country may very well turn their thoughts to their one-time northern territory. To borrow a phrase in an Absolut world – that is one of happy inebriation and dreams – Mexicans may fondly remember a time when their country’s total landmass was significantly larger.

This is the thinking that I believe was behind a recent ad run by Absolut vodka in Mexico. The ad simply shows a pre-1848 map of North America with the phrase “In an Absolut world.” That’s not bad, right?

Wrong. Even though the ad didn’t run in the US and wasn’t intended for US audiences it predictably found its way there. And people lost their minds. US people that is. Somehow it seems some in the US feel that this vodka ad will threaten the existing national borders. I’m not really sure how that could come to pass but the clamor was so loud that Absolut has pulled the ad.

Everyone just take a breath. It’s only an ad. Whether you can find something in it with which you feel you should agree or disagree is on you. I’m quite sure that Absolut is not trying to foment revolution or a military invasion of the US; their just trying to sell booze. So let’s move on, shall we? There are a lot of real problems that we could address in this world without having to invent some to get upset about.

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Here’s what happens when a marketer tries to understand the beer business. In a recent article in Forbes Jack Trout tries to get his head around the US beer business and why the biggest selling brands have been stagnant over the last few years. They’re offering too many different kinds of beers, he explains.

He’s a blowhard, I reply.

In fact he’s a self-contradictory blowhard. Within his own article he contradicts his own premise. He points out that big beer companies with their variously branded lagers are loosing market share to craft beer including their own faux crafts like Blue Moon and Leinenkugel. But variety is one of the strengths craft beer. The biggest craft brewer, the Boston Beer Company, has a huge number of different Sam Adams beers available and that hasn’t hurt their sales.

I could also point to the continued success of wine despite the fact that the products produced by almost any given winery are many and often take some study to understand. And how about the evolution of vodka over the last few years? You can buy vodka flavored with almost every imaginable fruit and somehow consumers are able deal with that. But I’m not here to argue about marketing.

Granted, the various versions of Miller, Bud and Coors are essentially the same beer with different labels but Trout doesn’t make this clear. In fact I’m not sure that he even realizes this. He seems to think that all beer is the same and so, his logic goes, why should any brewer have more than one product?

Choice is saving beer from this sea of the same that seemed likely to define beer as recently as 15 years ago. US beer drinkers are finally discovering the variety of beer and the pleasures of it. They are voting with their dollars for beer that tastes of more than fizzy, slightly sweet water.

So, Mr. Trout, why don’t you go out and actually try some of those “wacky American beers” before you try to evangelize your marketing gospel to them? You might find some truths that are not available in your statistics tables and marketing textbooks.

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A few months ago on this very blog I declared gin to be “stodgy as shuffle-board.” Well, it looks like I may have to issue an apology to gin.

With a 1.1% increase in sales, the first increase in 6 years, gin may be on its way back. According to “Gin Is the New Vodka,” an ironically named article when you consider that a big contributor of gin’s decline was vodka replacing it in the martini, bartenders are driving a return to gin. In a mix of classic drinks made with gin and new gins that include flavoring agents such as grape vine flowers and sarsaparilla and orange-peel, drinkers are rediscovering gin.

So, will gin be sexy again? It’s hard to say. As I’ve said before, the liquor market is fickle and it’s hard to say what will catch and what won’t. It will take quite a lot for gin to dethrone vodka. But you never know. Perhaps those pioneering mixology-minded bartenders will create a revolution.

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