Dear Whiskaliburr

Dear Whiskaliburr, I still think about you. I think about the first time. “I love this beer, this Milwaukee’s Best,” I said. “And I love this whiskey, this Jim Beam. I doubt I could love either of them more than I already do.” But I could. I drank an inch of the beer and I replaced that inch with whiskey. After a couple stirs of the can, I had you. Whiskaliburr. Beer that tastes like whiskey. Whiskey that drinks like beer. I remember when people couldn’t handle us. “What the f**k did you just do?”, was one response. “That’s disgusting. You’re really, really gross,” was another. But with all the hate in the world, they couldn’t take away our memories together. That was your job. Maybe we did make messes, burn bridges, deface properties public and private; maybe we didn’t. “I have no recollection of that, officer.” You made these… Read More »

The great buggy chase of 2011

By , July 21, 2011 in Beer

I don’t generally blog about the law and order side of beer. I can’t deny that there are some people out there who never learned to drink responsibly and, as a result, do stupid things and break the law. It’s a fact of life but I don’t see any reason to dwell on it when millions of drinkers handle alcohol like adults and never require police intervention. Occasionally, however, a story floats up out of the police files that is impossible to ignore. For example, you know you have to check out a headline that reads “Amish youth accused of drinking beer in buggy.” The story is exactly what you’d expect and, if we’re all honest here, what we hoped for. Police spotted an Amish teen headed down the road in his buggy with an open can of beer in his hand. When they tried to stop him – and… Read More »

Must Love Dogs

NOTE: Before reading this story, understand that I have no desire, never have had a desire, and never will have a desire to have sexual relations with any animal that does not meet the strict qualifications necessary for membership into the human race. Enjoy! I have an abrasive sense of humor. It pushes the envelope… off a cliff. At the bottom of that cliff, there are sharp rocks and it lets the envelope’s wife and infant children watch as the waves mercilessly toss the envelope from rock to rock, slowly ripping his corpse to shreds. In other words, I sometimes make “no-no” jokes. I have a strict rule, however, of getting to know someone fairly well before I release my more adventurous side. Though I enjoy taboo subjects, I very much do not enjoy making people uncomfortable. Until they become good friends with me, at which point I rarely turn… Read More »

Fast food ‘n’ beer

By , July 13, 2011 in Beer, whisky, Wine

Remember when you first heard of beer being sold in fast food restaurants. It was probably from some buddy who’d been told by his buddy whose sister had seen beer for sale in McDonald’s in France. Maybe you didn’t believe it because it just seemed too odd. If you’re like me, you found it curious but didn’t really care. Don’t get me wrong, I like fast food and beer as much as the next guy but there’s really only one way to do it right. You stop at the corner convenience store and grab a sixer or two of whatever beer you’re in the mood for. Then you head to the local burger joint and get two of the least healthy items they have on the menu. Then you go home, strip to your underwear, turn on whatever bad movie marathon the SyFy channel is running that afternoon and dig… Read More »

A Camping We Will Po (Po) Part 2: The McChicken Crisis

By , July 13, 2011 in drunk food

24-hour McDonald’s is the drunk man’s best friend. Not the “I’ve known you since pre-school” best friend, but rather the “I’ll kill for you, no questions asked” best friend. By this, I mean that it’s reliable and always willing to facilitate your terrible decisions (Not to mention the fact that it’s sketchy enough that you might actually find someone there who would kill for you, no questions asked). No matter the hour, 24-hour McDonalds serves burgers, “chicken”, and wraps of the snack variety to billions of delinquents nightly. It was around four in the morning when I arrived at my favorite 24-hour McDonalds, co-delinquents in tow. We needed to decompress. It had been a long night of drinking and getting booked (not simultaneously). One friend, who had narrowly escaped our campfire sting, felt for us and wanted to be the founder of the feast. Free McDonald’s! Can’t complain? Can complain…. Read More »

Fake vodka, real trouble

By , June 30, 2011 in Vodka

So, vodka’s supposed to be a neutral spirit, right? What little taste and smell it has disappears almost completely when it’s used in mixed drinks so it the perfect alcohol for people who don’t like alcohol. At least that’s how I understand it. I’ve never developed much of a taste for vodka. I just don’t get the appeal probably because I don’t care for fruity cocktails. Booze should taste like booze, not fizzy strawberries. Anyway, vodka, even cheap vodka, should be nearly odorless and flavorless. Let’s compare that to rubbing alcohol. I don’t know about the flavor but I know the stuff has a definite and distinctive odor. That’s why this story is surprising to me. A couple of shops in the Boston area tried to get away with selling Isopropyl alcohol, the alcohol part of rubbing alcohol, in vodka bottles. Did they really think that they’d get away with… Read More »

A Camping We Will Po (Po)

SHOONK-SHOONK-SHOONK! Summer is a great time for camping. Camping is a great time for drinking. Teenagers know this. Unfortunately for teenagers, cops know this too. Nineteen, cheap, and on summer break from college, my friends and I picked the campsite at the top of the road strategically. If a patrol car came through, we’d see it at the bottom of the hill, hide the alcohol and, at the very worst, be asked to move along for camping without a permit. But by the end of the night, it appeared our woodland party had gone off without a hitch. We’d even played Woods Pong to our hearts’ content and not one of us contracted a disease! Maybe the Keystone Light killed all of the germs we took in. Of course, I can really only say the latter with confidence as this story took place in 2008. I was worried there for… Read More »

The vodka retirement plan

By , June 29, 2011 in Vodka

We all have that little dream, don’t we? To cash in whatever savings we’ve been building for retirement and open up a business devoted to [insert your favorite hobby here]. For me, it’s a brewery. I’d love to chuck it all and just brew great beer. For Don Poffenroth, it was vodka and he didn’t just dream about it. He did it. Back in 2007, Don decided to check out of the rat race. He turned his savings into a vodka distillery and it seems to have been the right decision. He turned a $300,000 investment into a company with $1.5 million in annual sales. He guesses that his share of the company, 60%, is worth about $1.2 million. Not bad. It’s probably not for all of us, especially those of us with spouses. It’s hard to make a jump like this without a net. Don had a decent amount… Read More »

The Oldest Beer In the World 2

By , June 28, 2011 in Beer

I don’t often get the chance to do a sequel blog post. This story definitely merits a follow-up, though. It all started over a hundred and fifty years ago when some brewer somewhere brewed a batch of beer for export. The beer was delivered to the dock and loaded on a ship where it set sail for its destination somewhere over the Baltic Sea. Unfortunately for the crew and the poor sap who’d ordered the delivery of beer, the ship sank. Then, as you might recall, some nosy divers discovered it last summer and decided to make off with the beer and a stash of champagne. That’s the last that most of us heard of the beer. As for me, I thought at the time I would have loved to get a taste of it. Not so much now. One of the five recovered bottles was opened recently and it… Read More »

Has Scott Walker finally gone too far?

By , June 27, 2011 in Beer

If you are even remotely interested in US politics you know the name of Scott Walker, governor of Wisconsin. Walker has been a regular name on the lips of pundits on both sides of the aisle since he took office. Often identified as a tea-party politician, Walker has used some fairly extreme measures to enact his version of a smooth running government in Wisconsin and his actions have seriously raised the political temperature of that state. But, in his latest action – or, perhaps we should say inaction – he may have finally pissed off too many Wisconsinites to survive politically. By not vetoing a chunk of a piece of legislation that recently crossed his desk, he allowed a big change to take place in the way that beer is made and sold in his state. I don’t claim to have any more insight into Wisconsin as the next guy… Read More »