Category:  drunk food

A Picnic of Sorts

By , August 31, 2011 in Beer, booze, drunk food

I don’t do booty calls. Well, I don’t initiate them myself. Would I accept one if it came my way? Probably. To be fair, though, the only woman who calls me after hours is my mom when she forgets about the time difference between L.A. and D.C. However, as with most things I make a rule of not doing, there is an exception, and I find that exception particularly hilarious. Gertrude (fake name to protect her reputation) lived just across the street, but we met on the dancefloor at a houseparty thrown by my friends and I. It was late and Gertrude and I were both drunk off Milwaukee’s Best and poison-grade Everclear punch. After a few testflights, I was met with no noticeable headbob and I went in for the make-out. Contact was successful. But since I’m not here to brag about my skills at assessing make-out possibility, I’ll… Read More »

The Vodka Watermelon: A Guide

By , August 29, 2011 in booze, drunk food, party, sangria, Vodka, whiskey

Many readers have been writing in and saying, “Don Julian! You have so much fun all the time! How do you do it? Can you provide a step by step tutorial on how I should do something fun?” And despite the fact that the previous sentence is completely fabricated, I will gladly oblige. Here is a step by step guide on how to make — the staple of many a raucous event — a vodka watermelon. PREP A. Attend a houseparty that has a large watermelon readily available. (NOTE: This is made easier if you’re friends with stupid hipsters. Hipsters have an annoying and inexplicable affinity for fresh produce, and only a stupid person would leave a watermelon in plain site at a house party). B. Eye the watermelon craftily and say, “Hey guys! When was the last time we made a vodka watermelon?”. (NOTE: Everyone will say it’s been… Read More »

A Camping We Will Po (Po) Part 2: The McChicken Crisis

By , July 13, 2011 in drunk food

24-hour McDonald’s is the drunk man’s best friend. Not the “I’ve known you since pre-school” best friend, but rather the “I’ll kill for you, no questions asked” best friend. By this, I mean that it’s reliable and always willing to facilitate your terrible decisions (Not to mention the fact that it’s sketchy enough that you might actually find someone there who would kill for you, no questions asked). No matter the hour, 24-hour McDonalds serves burgers, “chicken”, and wraps of the snack variety to billions of delinquents nightly. It was around four in the morning when I arrived at my favorite 24-hour McDonalds, co-delinquents in tow. We needed to decompress. It had been a long night of drinking and getting booked (not simultaneously). One friend, who had narrowly escaped our campfire sting, felt for us and wanted to be the founder of the feast. Free McDonald’s! Can’t complain? Can complain…. Read More »