Category:  booze

Boxing Day – an excuse to keep drinking

By , December 26, 2011 in booze, holiday, Wine

So, Christmas is over. The glut of presents and Christmas dinner is now nothing more than a sad pile of wadded up wrapping paper and cleaned off turkey bones. In most parts of the world, that’s it. The day is over; the deed is done. But, in some countries, the UK and Australia most notably, celebrants have one more day to partake in holiday cheer. Although the origins are unclear, everyone who takes part in Boxing Day seem pretty sure about their desire to keep the party going. The day is almost purely secular and always has been so, so there’s no tiresome reminders to keep Christ in Boxing Day. Also, the day seems to be, above all else, about relaxing. If your idea of relaxation is to kick back on the couch to watch a game, there are plenty to choose from. Or if taking it easy for you… Read More »

Seven Drinks I’ve Made that You Probably Have No Interest in Trying

I consider myself a novice mixologist. Of course, by “novice”, I mean “terrible”, and by “mixologist”, I mean “person to make your next drink”. This is because of my sense of adventure and complete disregard for recipes. For all the bad, hurtful things you can say about my creations, though, I’ve never made one I didn’t finish myself. So for your reading pleasure, here are seven of my worst: 1. Beer ‘n Wine – Great as a corner store. Terrible as a drink. And just in case you’re giving me the benefit of the doubt, you shouldn’t. This was no Black Velvet (A take on the Black and Tan that replaces the pale ale with champagne). We’re talking one part light beer, one part red wine, two parts grossest vom I’ve ever had. 2. Whiskey Monster – Ooh! This sounds like a fun drink, or at least creatively named! A… Read More »

PSA: Are your karaokeing enough?

By , September 9, 2011 in booze, nostalgia

You think you love karaoke? I love karaoke. Nono, sh. I. Love. Karaoke. Just a few weeks ago, I walked into a bar I’ve never heard of, on a night I shouldn’t have been out, and I stumbled upon a weekly karaoke contest. I won. The next week, I did not win. I got gonged off the stage before I could finish. Gonged. Can I logically explain why an audience loves my rendition of Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”, but can’t stand my rockin’ cover of Sum 41’s “Fat Lip”? I can’t. That’s just karaoke, mama. The unforgiving “art”. And that’s what some people need to understand. Karaoke is not art. Maybe “art”, but never art. It’s not an audition and it’s not about talent. If you came for talent, the door’s that way. Talent don’t live here no more. Energy lives here. Irony? Irony has a permanent lease. Because karaoke… Read More »

A Picnic of Sorts

By , August 31, 2011 in Beer, booze, drunk food

I don’t do booty calls. Well, I don’t initiate them myself. Would I accept one if it came my way? Probably. To be fair, though, the only woman who calls me after hours is my mom when she forgets about the time difference between L.A. and D.C. However, as with most things I make a rule of not doing, there is an exception, and I find that exception particularly hilarious. Gertrude (fake name to protect her reputation) lived just across the street, but we met on the dancefloor at a houseparty thrown by my friends and I. It was late and Gertrude and I were both drunk off Milwaukee’s Best and poison-grade Everclear punch. After a few testflights, I was met with no noticeable headbob and I went in for the make-out. Contact was successful. But since I’m not here to brag about my skills at assessing make-out possibility, I’ll… Read More »

The Vodka Watermelon: A Guide

By , August 29, 2011 in booze, drunk food, party, sangria, Vodka, whiskey

Many readers have been writing in and saying, “Don Julian! You have so much fun all the time! How do you do it? Can you provide a step by step tutorial on how I should do something fun?” And despite the fact that the previous sentence is completely fabricated, I will gladly oblige. Here is a step by step guide on how to make — the staple of many a raucous event — a vodka watermelon. PREP A. Attend a houseparty that has a large watermelon readily available. (NOTE: This is made easier if you’re friends with stupid hipsters. Hipsters have an annoying and inexplicable affinity for fresh produce, and only a stupid person would leave a watermelon in plain site at a house party). B. Eye the watermelon craftily and say, “Hey guys! When was the last time we made a vodka watermelon?”. (NOTE: Everyone will say it’s been… Read More »

Cheapo of the Seas

College graduation. Tears, laughter, a sense of accomplishment. And what’s that? That’s right: the feeling that someone’s watching you. It’s not your imagination. It’s us, the adult workforce, gleefully welcoming you to our ranks as each and every ounce of happiness begins to slowly, painfully drip from your carcass of a soul… But first, you’ve got a graduation cruise to enjoy! Now, in a perfect world, you received enough graduation money to buy all the drinks you could ever want while sailing from one Caribbean port to the next. But if your reality’s anything like mine was, then you’re flat broke as you spent all of your money on alcohol-themed beach attire (“Yes, your Corona flip-flops make you look distinguished, but I still won’t sleep with you… What? You have a matching Corona towel?! Take me! Take me on your kitschy towel!”). In order to offset the cost of the… Read More »

Canadian Whisky’s Image Issues

By , April 20, 2011 in booze, Bourbon, whiskey, whisky

Did you know that Canadian whisky had an image problem? Neither did I until I spotted this article in the New York Times. As I read the first few sentences, I realized that I have, unconsciously, harbored a dim view of whisky from the north. The article talks about how Canadian whisky is generally viewed as a light mixer without much depth or character; okay for cocktails but kinda weak on it’s own. My unconscious prejudice against the stuff isn’t quite so thoughtful. I just tend to think that it’s not going to be as good. I have no basis for this. One possible explanation is that, living fairly close to Kentucky, I have a strong sense of the tradition of bourbon. I’ve toured some of the distilleries there and dig the history of some of those old distillers. I feel the same way about Scotch, although I’ve never been… Read More »

How to sell Punjabi rocket fuel

By , February 7, 2011 in booze, scotch, whiskey, whisky

The quick answer is to not call it that. In practice, that answer led to £60,000 in monthly profits for some Indian entrepreneurs and, eventually, to a half dozen arrests. Here’s what happened. The criminal masterminds in our little morality play were blending a couple of locally produced whiskeys, Signature and Bagpiper, aka Punjabi rocket fuel. They would then pour their product in discarded Chivas, Glennfiddich and Johnny Walker Black bottles that had been recovered from the trash of upscale hotels that were serving the real thing. With new, fake labels from a local printer, they were able to pass their booze off to a wholesaler and walk away with a nice little profit. Unnamed “whisky experts” mentioned in the story above have taken this opportunity to crow about the “triumph of brand snobbery over taste and knowledge.” Really? The whiskey industry in India has exploded over the last year… Read More »

Boozin’ for longer life

By , January 30, 2011 in booze

That’s right folks, it’s the news we’ve been waiting for! No more minutia about flavonoids and the heart-healthy benefits of a dainty glass of red wine every evening. Now there’s a study that puts it very simply: If you drink, you will live longer. Ah, I’ll give you a moment to bask in that knowledge. Believe me, I’ve been pickling in it all day! Yup, a recent study shows that boozin’ it up will bring longer life! After following test subjects, aged 55 through 65, around for twenty year, researchers found a that teetotallers were more likely to die. Here are the numbers: 69% of the teetotallers died during the study period. 60% of the heavy drinkers – defined as those who had four or more drinks a day – and only 41% of the moderate drinkers kicked it. So, let’s all raise a glass to long life; Cheers!

Scotch and Water?

Frankly, I know nothing about Joe E. Lewis. But, I can’t argue with his position on water. It just takes up space in the glass that you could fill with more whisky! Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty. -Joe E. Lewis Part of the November 2010 series of Beer and booze quips, quotes and one-liners