For anyone who reads this blog frequently, first of all, thank you. Second of all, you are a lying scoundrel. I check the hits. It’s just me and my grandma reading this stuff, and she only does it when there’s nothing on USA.
Thirdly, you should know that- though Boozingear.com is the company that keeps the lights on around here- they give a fair amount of freedom in terms of what I can write about and never require me to shout them out unless convenient.
Because they allow me so much wiggle room, though, I think it’s fair to promote some of their stuff when I see fit. And when better to get some great deals on stylish and/or functional and/or tacky (yet refined) gear than a holiday like St. Patrick’s Day?!
As I see it, there are two rules to St. Patrick’s Day:
- Wear green.
- Be obnoxious.
The first rule is pretty steadfast; there’s little to no getting around it (And don’t even think about the “I’m wearing my tighty-greeneys!” excuse unless you are fully ready to produce the evidence. Also, please don’t produce the evidence.)
The second rule, though, is up to you. Based on this understanding, I’ve organized a few of Boozingear’s prime offerings from least obnoxious to the very most.
1. Subtle. Douchey-Chic.
Guinness Hat: A chemical wash hat is always gonna be kind of obnoxious, but you have to remember that we’re dealing with St. Patrick’s Day here. Much higher baseline. What I like about this hat is that, with the bottle opener underneath the brim, it retains functionality while staying classier than a hat (or any clothing item) with a more visible bottle opener.
Slainte Shirt: This one’s pushing it as it is pretty boisterously green, but it involves no sh*tty punnery (see further down), and has a friendly, unique design. “Slainte” is an Irish toast meaning “health”. Look up how to pronounce it yourself.
Mickey’s Boxers: (NOTE: ONLY SUBTLE IF WORN ON INSIDE OF PANTS)Â These say (1) Guinness isn’t the onlyÂ beer to rep on St. Patrick’s Day- although Mickey’s is inauthenticallyÂ brewed by Miller-Â Â and (2) congratulations on reaching the bonus level.
2. Restrained. But pretty douchey.
Punny, not funny: Remember those puns I mentioned? HERE THEY ARE! Irish people actually aren’t green, nor are leprechauns. This doesn’t make sense at all… when you’re sober! When you’re drunk, this is one of the coolest hats around, and which will you be come the big day? This hat is also equipped with a very visible, very useful bottle opener, perfect for making friends and impressing drunk people.
Patty Pong: I actually love this shirt. If you don’t click through, you won’t see it, but underneath “Beer Pong”, it says, “You O’Sink It, Or You O’Drink It!”. I imagine the conversation at the t-shirt factory:
T-shirt Guy 1:Â Okay, we put some shamrocks on the cups. Does that justify calling it “St. Patrick’s Beer Pong?”
T-shirt Guy 2: Hmm… no… it doesn’t. Throw some “o-apostrophes” on a couple words and let’s get outta here.
This shirt is the perfect way to say, “I have discerning tastes, but maybe not in the way most people do. Let’s party.”
Rugby Shirt: We actually offer a few of these and, while none of them are inherently obnoxious, I’ve never met anyone in a rugby shirt who didn’t know how to be really, really obnoxious (and who didn’t know how to be anything but obnoxious when drunk). Ruggers, I don’t think you’ll find offense in this assessment.
3. All out. Douchey to the limit.
Hats that aren’t hats: “I’ve been drunk since before I bought this thing.” For certain revelers- you know who you are- such an accessory is a perfect conversation piece and an essential bar beacon, alerting others like you, “I am here. I am ready for another car bomb.”
Sassy Lass: “What am I supposed to weeearrrÂ on St. Patrick’s Day?” This. You’re supposed to wear this.
A clock: I’m just saying. If you wanted to go all out, but still be fresh and clever, you could dress as a leprechaun Flavor Flav. And it would be the best thing to ever to come out of this blog if you did. Send me pictures.
PS Also send me pictures if you dress as the sassy lass.