As a lover of film, I don’t needÂ a drinking game to get me through the Oscars.Â As a lover of drinking games, I do.
Whether you enjoy the Oscars or not, there’s half a chance you’ll be watching them this afternoon/evening, and whole a chance you’ll be looking for a purposeful way to drink through them. I’ve perused the internet, sifting through the duds and stealing where I could to bring you this, The BoozinGear Patented (not legally, but because I said so), Oscars 2012 Drinking Game:
As you may know from my Last Minute Super Bowl Drinking Game, it is my stance that viewing games get boring and/or complex, the longer the broadcast goes on, so it’s best to keep them simple. In that vein, I am giving you just three drinking cues:
1. Drink every time there is an awkward cutaway to anyone at all.
2. Drink for every mention of women in comedy, silent film, or puppets.
3. Drink every time somebody makes a joke you don’t get because, out of all the nominees, you only sawÂ The Muppets and Bridesmaids.
Easy, right? But kinda bland? Well, here’s the fun part: Multipliers. Below, I’ve arbitrarily assigned multipliers to every celebrity presenting during the awards (Yes, I justified most of them, but still pretty arbitrary). So if there’s an awkward cutaway wihle Angelina’s talking, that 4 drinks. Kristen Wiig? That’s only 1 drink. Peruse the list and it should be fairly self-explanatory. Also, two things: (a) My justifications and multiplier assignments are based on my off-the-cuff opinions and are, honestly, pretty sexist. Have some fun with it, if you want! Make up your own! (b) For multipliers on Oscar recipients as opposed to presenters, scroll to the bottom. SPOILER ALERT: There’s gambling!
~ Don Julian
Angelina Jolie: xÂ 4 -Â You’re going to need a few drinks to get through all the bad jokes your friends make about her adoptions and plastic surgery. This is Lara Croft, people! Have some respect!
Ben Stiller: x 1 – Entering many of our childhoods in Heavyweights, Stiller is as vanilla as they come. You got a pass on this one.
Bradley Cooper: x 4Â - Everyone things this man is sexy. Everyone. It’s too depressing not to knock a few more back (His dreamy even distracted you from Jennifer Garner’s latex dresses and “totally practical spy clothes”Â back in the AliasÂ days).
Cameron Diaz: x 2Â - If you saw her in Bad TeacherÂ or on the cover of Maxim, you know that woman. Still. Got it. Drink double to an oldie, but goodie.
Chris Rock: x 3Â - Let’s not get it twisted. Rock is a king. Realistically though, he might be here to be hilarious, but he might just be here to plug his upcoming role in What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Let’s play it safe and split the difference.
Christian Bale: x 5Â - Everything about this man says excess from his on-set tantrum to character Bruce Wayne’s 1-percenter lifestyle.
Ellie Kemper: x 5Â - She’s on The OfficeÂ and I’m pissed off that people watch The Office more than they watch Community or Parks and Rec. I MAKE THE RULES. YOU JUST DRINK.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Choose your own!Â - I have no feelings on Gwyneth Paltrow.
Halle Berry: n/a – She broke her foot, so had to back out. Bonus drink every time someone makes a joke about this.
Kermit and Miss Piggy: x 4Â - They always struck me as a boozy couple.
Kristen Wiig: x 1Â - As the Bridesmaids lead, she’ll probably be mentioning women in comedy just a few times. Bonus drink every time she says “Scorcese”.
Maya Rudolph: x 1Â - See Kristen Wiig.
Melissa Leo: x 2Â - Everyone loved her in The Fighter, but remembered her for dropping the F-bomb during her acceptance speech. Let’s actually pay attention for this one.
Melissa McCarthy: x 1Â - See Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudpolph.
Meryl Streep: x 5Â - I hate her because I sat throughÂ It’s ComplicatedÂ and I want you to hate her too.
Michael Douglas: x 2Â - He snagged Catherine Zeta-Jones with- upon meeting her for the first time- the line, “I want to father your children.” Respect that with a double.
Milla Jovovich: Choose your own!
Morgan Freeman: x 1Â - For the number of mates a penguin has (SCIENCE!).
Owen Wilson: x 3 – For the number of pieces his nose is in.
Natalie Portman: Don’t drinkÂ - I’ve boycotted Natalie Portman ever since she did the sexiest scene in the world in Black SwanÂ only to follow it with the unsexiest thing in the world: getting pregnant.
Penelope Cruz: x 2Â - for her two huge, incredible… um, sets of acting skills?
Rose Byrne: Choose your own!Â I work in men’s magazines and I still don’t really know who this is.
Sandra Bullock: x 5Â - Because F.B.I. agent Gracy Hart is that much of a badass.
Tom Cruise: x 4Â - Because it’s much more confusing to multiply by “Ghost Protocol”.
Tina Fey: x 1 – She wasn’t in Bridesmaids, but same deal.
Tom Hanks: x 2Â - He’s won two Oscars. I’m getting lazy.
Wendi McLendon-Covey: x 3Â - Yes, she was in Bridesmaids, but you’ll spend most of the time she’s talking trying to figure out what her name is.
Will Ferrell: x 1Â - Actually just waterfall every time he feigns confusion.
Zach Galifianakis: x 5Â - He’s a wildcard, but definitely won’t stick to the cliches.
ANY WINNER: x 0 or 5 -Â Clearly, you’re going to obnoxiously call out who you think (no, who you KNOW) is going to win. If you get it wrong, multiple all drinking cues by 5. If you get it right, sip whatever you want as you enjoy your obnoxious good luck.