Universal truth #1: Youth is wasted on the young.
Universal truth #2: Alcohol’s anti-aging properties are wasted on the boring lab worms.
You don’t know what I’m talking about? Where do you get your science, not Yahoo! News?
Your loss, because now you don’t know about the elephant that got fit for contact lenses, the mummy with cancer, or the detachable penis spider. And you surely don’t know about last week’s report on C. elegans, a tiny worm that increases it’s life span with a drop of the sauce. Not only does it’s life span increase, but it more than doubles from 15 to 40 days!
As with any academically merited news I share, there is much more “legitimate”, “academic”, “nerdy” content available in the source article, but I’m going to gloss over all that that for an unimportant, pseudo-made-up detail:
This worm is no fun at all. It hangs out in research labs all day; I can deal with that. It is “non-harazardous, non-infectious, non-pathogenic, and non-parasitic”; a lot of worms can’t say that, so good for him.
But the thing that really get me is that these researchers gave the C. elegans all the booze their microscopic little livers desired (NOTE: They might not actually have livers; I haven’t checked), and the worms “…didn’t pig out on all that was there”. It was like this:
Scientist: Hey man, you want another brew?
Worm: Nah, I’m good.
Scientist: What, you got work in the morning?
Worm: Hm? Oh. No, I don’t have a job. I’m a worm.
Scientist: Oh, so you’re sober d or something?
Yeah. Mr. Alcohol-is-my-lifespark is also Mr. I-have-no-reason-not-to-drink-other-than-I’m-a-condescending-douche. Well, good riddance, Mr. Condescending-Douche. I’m going to go read about that detachable penis spider. You think being in control of your drinking habit is a party trick?! Tell that to guy who takes off his own dick.
~Don Julian OUT!
PS I promise never to sign off that douchily again; It just felt right with the tone.