Hot Tub Drunk Machine

“Who’s foot is this?”

“Who’s butt is this?”

“GET YOUR FOOT OUT OF MY BUTT!”

Hot tubs are great.

They keep you warm in times of cold, they keep girls bikini’d in time of sweaters, and they keep everyone sickeningly close in times of societal standards for personal space.  And on top of all that, they are hands-free and thus, pro-drink.  This weekend, I’ve had the pleasure of staying with friends at a beach house in Folly Beach, SC and- call it the scientist in me; call it the creepy friend who pays attention to stupid things in me- I’ve noticed some trends:

BEER
Opposites attract. Sweet ‘n Salty Chex Mix is clearly the greatest. These are indisputable truths. In the same vein, whatever part of us that takes glee in simultaneously enjoying two diametrically opposed forces can’t help but fall for the IcyHot-esque combination created by a cold beer in a hot tub.  It’s a standby, a favorite, and the best drink to spill if you want to cover up the fact that you just peed in the small amount of water you’re sharing with other human beings.

BLOODY MARY
Beer may be the quintessential hot-tub drink, but sometimes you want to go for something more nuanced, tailored to your situation. Bloody Marys are enjoyed only by the elite AM Tubbers.  Those who have nothing better to do when they wake up than hop into a large, heated cesspool with your loved ones.  Luckily, my friends are just these people. Hot tub bloody marys are best enjoyed with soggy omelettes and passive-aggressive comments about who was in charge of getting up early to make sure it was heating up.

CHAMPAGNE
In case you live under a rock or are above the age of 35, let me enlighten you: our generation takes all of our recreational cues from rappers. Big blunts, fast cars, flashy clothes, tax evasion… and of course, champagne and hot tubs.  

THE JIM BEAM FOOT CHUG
This is more of a game than a drink, but worth noting. As many of my friends are scientifically-minded researchers and med students, it was quickly discovered that the buoyancy offered by the water makes it easier to perform certain feats. Feats that make drinking exciting and acrobatic. Feats like using your feet to pour whiskey into your own mouth. Or as one of these future doctors
so eloquently put, “In the hot tub, you can float. So you can drink Jim Beam with your feet around it!”

Vodka OJ Limeade
This is clearly an unremarkable drink. It’s simple, cheap, and even a bit girly. But it was, for whatever reason, one of the most popular drinks imbibed this weekend. I’ve included it as a reminder: lists like this are not exhaustive. Most of the time, they’re bullsh*t.  Look to them for ideas and inspiration, not rules and laws.  If you want to drink a martini in the hot tub, go for it.  If you want to chug a Four Loko, I encourage it!  The only take-away message here? Spend time in a hot tub.  It’s impossible to get foot-butt action without it.

~Don Julian

 

Wish you were beer.

 

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