Captain Morgans story is as awesome as it is old and who better to tell you about it then an actual pirate? Here’s a guest column from gentlemen pirate, Captain Flint Rackham.
“Alrighty me sprogs, ye want to learn about the great, grand story o’ Captain Morgans? Well that be just splendid.
The captain was right smart and right ambitious as any bastard to ev’r cross the blue, blue ocean. He hailed from Welsh-country and knew little of the sweet trade. Course that didn’t stop him from joinin’ up and trying to invade Hispaniola at the ripe old age o’ twenty.
As a Captain, he be no lily-livered girl scout handin’ out flyers lookin’ for good pirates. The captain sailed all around the Caribbean in red silk and gold jewels, shellin’ out doubloons like pieces o’ eight so he might attract the best pirates to join em’ in his plunderin’.
Course sometimes a few sons of biscuit eaters be findin’ their way on board, as when a few recruits got loaded to the Gunwales and blew Captain Morgans flagship, The Oxford, to smithereens. The captain was right angry bout that one. Those scallywags were beggin’ for the plank by the time the captain and his cat o’ nine tails got done with em’.
As I remember, the captain be as wiley as he be fierce, as when he be the one time barricaded in by a squadron of Spanish warships. After dressin’ up a dozen hollowed-out logs as pirates and fillin’ em with explosives, he put them upon his biggest, best ship and set it adrift and afire right clear toward the Spanish armada. Aye, that did the trick just well.
It be no wonder that some three hundred years later a few fellers named such a splendid drink after the Captain. He be right deservin’ of such commemoration.”
Well that was incoherent! Thanks Captain Flint for your incomprehensible account of Captain Morgans History!