The Final Boozinween: What You Thought of my Halloween Costume

F*ck what you think of my Halloween costume.

“That’s not gonna get you laid.”

So what? Let’s be honest. This is a holiday. Not only that; this is a drinking holiday, and maybe you’re sexy when you drink, but me? I’m just tactless and smelly. Tactless and Smelly wasn’t gettin’ laid tonight anyway.

“It’s not practical.”

Practical? Practical?! It’s Halloween and you’re worried about practical?! Talk to the guy in the banana suit about practical. See if the Green Man who isn’t wearing his corrective lenses is worried about practical.

F*ck what you think of my Halloween costume.

“I don’t think people are going to get it.”

Oh, I’m sorry, you’re totally right. Let me go change. I’m sure I have a Steve Jobs costume here somewhere. Or a Wall Street Occupier. You know- something topical that nobody else else is gonna dress as.

“What’s topical about your costume?”

“DO YOU NOT WATCH DANCING WITH THE STARS?!”

F*ck what you think of my Halloween costume.

“It’s just kinda disgusting.”

It’s called dedication, thank you. If my costume requires arm jowels, and arm jowels are best made out of sliced deli ham adhered to my arms with an immense amount of packing tape, THEN I’M GONNA TAPE SOME HAM TO MY ARMS AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA JUDGE ME FOR IT.

F*ck what you think of my Halloween costume.

“Woah woah woah, dude dude- who invited you to this party? …Wait, is that ham taped to your arms! Stop! Stop wobbling your hammy arms in my face, what are you supposed to be? Some obese, befupa’d tranny who’s getting in everyone’s way?”

…Yes! Finally, someone gets it! I’m Chaz Bono! Cher’s post-op transvestite once-daughter-now-son? He was just voted off Dancing with the Stars this week? Super topical, right? Best costume ever, right?!

“Whatever. I guess you can stay. It’s not like you’re getting laid tonight.”

F*ck what you think of my Halloween costume.

 

~Don Julian

***The above is based on a 100% true story.  Which means there are actually pictures of me as a transvestite with ham arms.  They will be posted the second I find them.  Good day.

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