Boozinween: Alternatives to Slutty

“I hate Halloween.”

Not my words, but the words of a female friend of mine. “There’s all this pressure to wear something slutty and whatever I dress up as, I always feel homely compared to the other girls.”

“Untrue”, I said! Only the most boring and vapid of women wear slutty costumes for Halloween these days. Guys are going to hate me for saying this, but ladies, you have options now! It’s 2011! Betty White is a sex icon! (Isn’t she? I’m pretty sure she is.) And just in case you’re too busy to explore or discover these options, I’ve listed a number of them below for your convenience.

So without further ado… ways to dress on Halloween if you feel slutty is “so ninth grade”:

hot — sexy — skimpy — voluptuous — suggestive — naked — titillating — sensuous– like you’re going to the club — racy — risque — like you’re looking for some — nurse-like — in the style of a school-girl who accidentally wore her younger sisters uniform to school today — salty — Precious — No, not like the movie. Ew. — va-va-voom! — come-hither — go-therer — like a midget is hangin’ from your necklace — for success — slooty (milder form of slutty) — slurpee (tastier form of slutty, but be mindful of brainfreeze) — for the job you want, not for the job you have — like a sexpot — like you’re in a sexpot? I actually have no clue how to use that word correctly — homely — boring — vapid — in a fat-suit — like you’re asking for it — in a fat-suit like you’re asking for it — spicy — like your mom dressed you — like your slutty mom dressed you — exotic — Mediterranean — subteranian — Unobtanium — subsaharan — foxy — like you’re on a first date and you want to show him that you will go there, but that don’t mean it’s happenin’ tonight, ya huuurd me? — delicious — Jerseylicious (the one where you look like you taste like cigarettes and hair product) — jerseylicious (the one where you look like you taste like a sweaty basketball uniform) — dignified — scandalous — like you just woke up — like P. Diddy — pregnant.

See?! Options! By the way, while you were reading that, I googled it. Betty White is, in fact, a sex icon.

~Don Julian

Halloweek starts now! Get your sh*t together!

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