The Beer Bottle

Today Pepe Velázquez and I discussed one of the most important aspects of beer; the beer bottle.

The beer bottle comes in all different shapes, sizes, varieties and colors.  The combinations of which are as dazzling a variety and incredibly diverse as life itself. Pepe was kind enough to not only share with me his nicknames for some of the main sorts but also the contents of each as we explored.

First is your average beer bottle.

It’s often brown, clear, green or sometimes black as with a Guinness Stout. Pepe calls this bottle an “L.B.R.” or “Little Boy’s Room” because it’s frequently where one finds “piss beer.” Pepe and I enjoyed a very pleasant Corona Extra, which I enjoyed at first but then, as instructed by Pepe, spit out onto a migrant worker who happened to be passing by. I was scarred by the incident and Pepe’s cavalier classism but we moved on quickly so there was little time for guilt.

Second is this larger bottle often used to house ales.

It takes on the shape of a lofty-shouldered linebacker ready to tackle your taste buds. Contrary to their masculine appearance, these beers often house very fruity contents. For that reason Pepe calls them, “Fairy Jocks.” For this Pepe and I drank a Samuel Smith Oatmeal Stout, which we enjoyed with a bowl of oatmeal. It was a bit overwhelming, but “that’s the point,” says Pepe.

 

Next is the taller, slimmer, 22 – 26 oz corked beer bottle used by the finest breweries to house their top concoctions.

Pepe calls them, “Princess Bottles” because of their noble nature and Pepe’s proclivity for effeminate nicknames (he calls me Wrighty McFirenugget because “a writer like [me] would look good with red hair).  For this we had a Maple Bacon Coffee Porter which Pepe told me was one of the best beers he’s ever had. I managed to choke it down with the aid of a Corona Extra.

Fourth up is this version.

It’s possibly the shortest of all the bottles and one of the most rotund. That and it’s exploitation by the Dutch has earned it the nickname, “Nederlandse Dwerg-Neuker” which for the sake of decorum I will not translate. We had a Duvel which was sweet but not too bad as I remember.

 

 

Next is this giant bottle which holds 64oz. of beer, equal to that found in a pitcher.

This is used at breweries, beer shops and stores where one can walk in and fill up a bottle with whatever happens to be on draft. It’s called a “Growler” because of the growling, gurgling death sound one makes after drinking six of these.  I only had one filled with Vanilla Bean Aged Dark Lord, which at 13.00% Alcohol was a bit like drinking a vanilla milkshake cut with grain alcohol.

Pepe showed me a few others but unfortunately because I was forced to drink the contents of each bottle I cannot remember their names or what they looked like.  I took several photos but lost the film when Pepe and I accidentally set his studio on fire. Everything is okay, but now we know better than to tackle every type of beer bottle in a day.

I hope this was helpful. Whatever you drink your beer out of remember what Pepe always says, “It’s not about the beer, it’s about looking cool.”

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