Halloween Beer Costumes

This Halloween get your frickin’ rage on with these top Halloween beer costumes and Halloween liquor costumes.

Unofficial Captain Morgan Costume

That’s right. The UNOFFICIAL Captain Morgan Halloween costume. Why unofficial? Well one, because there is no such thing as an “official” Captain Morgan Halloween costume because the brand has something against that or something (ridiculous right?).

Secondly, and more importantly, is the symbolic implication of buying a pirate costume that is something of a pirated product itself. Consider this: Would Captain Morgan really buy the “official” costume? Uh, no. Sorry, I’m not sorry but the Captain I know doesn’t give two golden turds about “official.”  He does however care about being a bad-ass.

That’s why last year he wore the Captain Blackheart costume. He wasn’t down to listen to little punks telling him he needed the “official” Halloween costume. Around eleven o’clock at the Halloween office party last year, when he was hella drunk and some dipstick from accounting who lifts weights 6 times a week so he can dress up as Superman once a year, walked up to him and said, “Hey, isn’t that thing a rip-off?”

Do you know what you the Captain did to that guy? Do you know what he did?

He stabbed him. He stabbed him right in his stupid chest right in the middle of that big stupid “S” and said, “Looks like ye got a little sword in ya. Guess me cutlass be made of kryptonite.” And then he laughed. Hearty har har.

So basically, this Halloween costume will not only make you look like a pirate (it helps if you walk around with a bottle of Captain Morgan’s rum) with the added bonus of making you an actual pirate (as defined in modern terms). It’s by far my favorite costume to wear, because nothing opens up a conversation like a pirate pick-up line. It doesn’t even have to be good or even grammatically correct. In fact the less sense you make, the more you sound like an actual pirate “Get in me galleon! Smartly now you poop-swabbin galley rat!” Or if you want to really stir things up, every time you see the office floozy you can shout, “There she blows, but here she swallows!”

Liquor Bottle Costume : Womens Top Shelf Tequila

Tequila has never looked so appetizing. I do hate that the bottle covers up a significant amount of cleavage, but that’s just my boner talking.

I’m kidding. That’s just the pattern of the pleats. It’s an optical illusion really. All right fine but don’t act like you’re not impressed.

Boners aside, there are some important matters to discuss. It’s Halloween, ladies. You’re going to get a little bit sloppy. Even if things work out to their absolute best, you’re still going to smell like a bottle of tequila. So the question I raise is: Why not look like one too?

Just make sure the tequila is going into the bottle and not coming out, if you receive my meaning.

The only downside to this costume is looking too much like the real thing, then running into the cast of the Jersey Shore and getting mauled by a frothing-at-the-mouth Snookie.

 

Beer Pong Costume : Life Sized Red Solo Cup

I love sports. I do. But I feel like a jackass when I dress up like an athlete. Two years ago I dressed like Shaq and no one even knew who I was (I think it was my milky white skin and ten inch biceps). Then last year I wore a little bit of dark make-up to look more like Shaq- just a little bit of foundation to darken my complexion- and now I’m not even allowed in most stores/houses/restaurants.

This year I’m not making that mistake again. I’m not dressing as a basketball player. I’m not dressing as a baseball player either. I’m not even dressing as any athlete, because that would be misrepresenting my abilities. Consider all the people who dress up as doctors or police. What if you were at a party and there was an emergency? I mean, what if you were at a party on a frozen lake and people we’re looking all over for someone who could ice skate people to safety but all the ice skaters were dressed like baseball players and all the baseball players were dressed like Michele Kwan? It would be chaos!

That’s why this Halloween, when people are running all over looking for a guy who can save the day by throwing a ping pong ball in a red solo cup, they’ll know exactly who to go to: me, the guy running around in a red solo cup and carrying a giant ping pong ball.

Now, a lot of people wear this Halloween beer costume with their favorite beer shirt, but personally I like to go naked.

It doesn’t always go over well.

Unofficial Jager Bomb Costume : Women’s

Yes this costume proudly displays two bombs, er… Jaeger Bombs, that is. If you ask me the kid in that YouTube video wasn’t obsessing over a cocktail. He was coming back from some Halloween party where he must’ve seen this costume.

There isn’t much to say about this costume. I could tell you that it’s a great costume if you want to give people an excuse to look at your chest (which we applaud you for by the way) or the fact that it comes with a cup you can hang around your neck (which is ingenious).

In the end women’s Halloween costumes are all about staying on the upside of that thin red line between slutty and skanky. Wait I mean slutty and whorish. Wait no, whorish and sexy. That’s it. This costume is sexy. Not whorish. Or slutty. Or skanky.

Well it is a little bit skanky but, hey, it is the Devil’s day after all.

 

Colt 45 Bottle Costume : 40oz Malt Liquor Bottle

I have a friend who would desperately needs this Halloween beer costume. His name is Spencer and he can be described as a very intelligent, insightful, charming, young lunatic. The last three years Spencer doused himself in alcohol, set himself aflame and called it a zombie costume. He didn’t’t even think twice about his health let alone the foul smell of burnt hair and charred flesh. He walked around moaning like a half dead freak show and won the costume contest two years running for the same costume.

The second thing you need to know about Spencer is the always present forty in his hand. It’s a bit like Popeye’s spinach. He usually touts the ole Colt 45, which he decided was the best tasting after hosting a Pepsi Challenge-like tasting contest of forty forties.

The point is, Spencer would wear this Halloween beer costume. Not just on Halloween but all major holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Arbor Day, etc. If possible he would probably wear it every day. Why? One, because he’s running out of skin to burn. He looks less like a zombie every year and more like a skeleton. Secondly he loves forties.

It’s a change for Spencer but no doubt he’ll once again be in the running this year for best costume.

The fact is, you are what you drink and if you drink malt liquor then you ought to represent.

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