Seven Drinks I’ve Made that You Probably Have No Interest in Trying

I consider myself a novice mixologist. Of course, by “novice”, I mean “terrible”, and by “mixologist”, I mean “person to make your next drink”. This is because of my sense of adventure and complete disregard for recipes. For all the bad, hurtful things you can say about my creations, though, I’ve never made one I didn’t finish myself. So for your reading pleasure, here are seven of my worst:

1. Beer ‘n Wine – Great as a corner store. Terrible as a drink. And just in case you’re giving me the benefit of the doubt, you shouldn’t. This was no Black Velvet (A take on the Black and Tan that replaces the pale ale with champagne). We’re talking one part light beer, one part red wine, two parts grossest vom I’ve ever had.

2. Whiskey Monster – Ooh! This sounds like a fun drink, or at least creatively named! A whiskey monster! What is that? Sounds ferocious… Nope! Just a Monster (energy drink) with some whiskey in it. Because apparently taking true Four Loko off the market wasn’t enough to convince me that mixing energy drinks and liquor is dangerous. Speaking of which…

3. Vodka Four Loko– Remember when Four Loko was still caffeinated, taurinated, and guaranated? Remember the nights you decided you wanted the energy boost of Four Loko, but didn’t think it was quite alcoholic enough? Yeah, I don’t either. I was hoping you could tell me what happened.

4. Wine Flip Cup – For those of you who don’t think this should be its own drink, I’ve got a homework assignment: Chug an entire solo cup of wine for speed and tell me honestly if it tastes remotely like sipping a glass.

5. WhisCafe – 1. Purchase a McCafe from McDonalds. 2. Pour in some whiskey. 3. Listen closely. You can hear Ireland shaking its head.

6. Beer Float – Just like the “Beer ‘n Wine”, there are actual legitimate recipes for this sort of thing. They just don’t involve Milwaukee’s Best and a half pint of freezer-burnt Mint Chocolate Chip.

7. The Vodkagintequilarum –

Me: “I made Long Islands! Who wants one?”
Host: “Um. We don’t have coke or sour mix.”
Me: “You’re telling me this because…”

~Don Julian

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