I consider myself a novice mixologist. Of course, by Ã¢â‚¬Å“noviceÃ¢â‚¬Â, I mean Ã¢â‚¬Å“terribleÃ¢â‚¬Â, and by Ã¢â‚¬Å“mixologistÃ¢â‚¬Â, I mean Ã¢â‚¬Å“person to make your next drinkÃ¢â‚¬Â. This is because of my sense of adventure and complete disregard for recipes. For all the bad, hurtful things you can say about my creations, though, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve never made one I didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t finish myself. So for your reading pleasure, here are seven of my worst:
1. Beer Ã¢â‚¬Ëœn Wine Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Great as a corner store. Terrible as a drink. And just in case youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re giving me the benefit of the doubt, you shouldnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t. This was no Black Velvet (A take on the Black and Tan that replaces the pale ale with champagne). WeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re talking one part light beer, one part red wine, two parts grossest vom IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve ever had.
2. Whiskey Monster Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Ooh! This sounds like a fun drink, or at least creatively named! A whiskey monster! What is that? Sounds ferocious… Nope! Just a Monster (energy drink) with some whiskey in it. Because apparently taking true Four Loko off the market wasnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t enough to convince me that mixing energy drinks and liquor is dangerous. Speaking of whichÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
3. Vodka Four LokoÃ¢â‚¬â€œ Remember when Four Loko was still caffeinated, taurinated, and guaranated? Remember the nights you decided you wanted the energy boost of Four Loko, but didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t think it was quite alcoholic enough? Yeah, I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t either. I was hoping you could tell me what happened.
4. Wine Flip Cup Ã¢â‚¬â€œ For those of you who donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t think this should be its own drink, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve got a homework assignment: Chug an entire solo cup of wine for speed and tell me honestly if it tastes remotely like sipping a glass.
5. WhisCafe Ã¢â‚¬â€œ 1. Purchase a McCafe from McDonalds. 2. Pour in some whiskey. 3. Listen closely. You can hear Ireland shaking its head.
6. Beer Float Ã¢â‚¬â€œ Just like the Ã¢â‚¬Å“Beer Ã¢â‚¬Ëœn WineÃ¢â‚¬Â, there are actual legitimate recipes for this sort of thing. They just donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t involve MilwaukeeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Best and a half pint of freezer-burnt Mint Chocolate Chip.
7. The Vodkagintequilarum Ã¢â‚¬â€œ
Me: Ã¢â‚¬Å“I made Long Islands! Who wants one?Ã¢â‚¬Â
Host: Ã¢â‚¬Å“Um. We donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have coke or sour mix.Ã¢â‚¬Â
Me: Ã¢â‚¬Å“YouÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re telling me this becauseÃ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬Â