Many readers have been writing in and saying, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Don Julian! You have so much fun all the time! How do you do it? Can you provide a step by step tutorial on how I should do something fun?Ã¢â‚¬Â And despite the fact that the previous sentence is completely fabricated, I will gladly oblige. Here is a step by step guide on how to make — the staple of many a raucous event — a vodka watermelon.
A. Attend a houseparty that has a large watermelon readily available. (NOTE: This is made easier if youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re friends with stupid hipsters. Hipsters have an annoying and inexplicable affinity for fresh produce, and only a stupid person would leave a watermelon in plain site at a house party).
B. Eye the watermelon craftily and say, Ã¢â‚¬Å“Hey guys! When was the last time we made a vodka watermelon?Ã¢â‚¬Â. (NOTE: Everyone will say itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s been a while. Few have actually ever done it).
C. Seek out the drunkest housemate and obtain permission to mutilate their produce.
1. NowÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s the fun part. Remember, things might get a little messy! Make a circular incision in the watermelonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s husk. This is the hole youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll be pouring the vodka into, so it should be just big enough to comfortably fit the neck of your handle of vodka (Not fifth. Handle. No pussyfootinÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ around).
2. Remove the piece of husk within the circle. Some watermelon will come out with it. This is good! Now you have a piece of watermelon for a snack and a little reservoir for the vodka as it seeps throughout the watermelon!
3. Be patient. For about five minutes. Realize the vodka is not seeping at all. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just sitting there. Explain that it is definitely not supposed to take this long. Second guess yourself. Google how long itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s supposed to take.
4. A day. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s supposed to take a whole f***ing day. Somebody inevitably says Ã¢â‚¬Å“Well, we donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t wanna ruin the watermelon so letÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just start it now for tommorowÃ¢â‚¬Â.
5. Snap at them. Tomorrow? Tuh-mar-row? IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll have my liquor fruit now, thank you!
6. Chop off the top of the watermelon. Dump in the vodka. Mix that sh*t up. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s called culinary improvisation and itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a tool of the best chefs in the world. Morimoto would be proud.
7. Also add a few pulls of whiskey (NOTE: Why the hell not?)
*DonÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t call it a soup, call it a punch. People drink fruity vodka punch. They donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t eat fruity vodka soup. But if weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re being totally accurate, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a soup.